I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
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