You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Randomize
