I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
