Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
