Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
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