happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
