at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
