threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
