Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
I need to stop coming to work sober
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
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