i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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