i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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