Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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