My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Randomize
