I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
