i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
