I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
this boner is exhausting
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
