I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Randomize
