Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
