Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
She even gives head with a lisp.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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