Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
Randomize
