You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Randomize
