I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Randomize
