I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
