I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
