we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
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Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
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