the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
