You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
