Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
