That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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