Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Randomize
