my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
