My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Randomize
