I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
