Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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