ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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