Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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