Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Randomize
