I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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