Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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