That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Someone shattered a urinal.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
