Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
birth control should be required to get into college
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
