i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
