I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I'm always down for nudity.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
