Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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