is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
