My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
And then he peed in my hair
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