Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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