I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Randomize
