i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
