I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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