Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Randomize
