We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
