it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize