I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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