my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
nutella sex= disaster
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
