I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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