i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
