Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
