i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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