I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Randomize
