She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
