i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
