I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
