so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
