I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
