just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
