I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Randomize
