so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
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